What Exactly Are Boundaries (and How Do I Know if Mine are Healthy)?
Boundaries have become a bit of a buzz word. Everyone talks about having them, but no one is talking about them specifically in a way that helps us know how to set them.
That ends today!
Simply put, boundaries are the rules for behavior that one places on themselves (more on this later). They are the line that marks where you end, and I begin.
Boundaries can be healthy, although in all honesty, most of the ways I’ve seen them talked about online are anything but healthy! Boundaries are not about cutting people out of our lives. They are about how to maintain relationships with people even when we don’t always agree.
Let’s dive in…
Boundaries come in 4 levels:
Non-Existent
Porous
Healthy
Strict
Non-Existent Boundaries
I’m sure this one requires little explanation, but let’s talk about it anyway! Non-existent boundaries occur when we haven’t taken the time to understand our own values, likes, and dislikes. This leads to a life of resentment and discontentment because we are living life by everyone else’s terms. It is rare that I speak with a person who truly has non-existent boundaries in all areas of life. I most often seen non-existent boundaries within dysfunctional family dynamics.
I often refer to boundaries as a fence around your yard. If you have non-existent boundaries, you have no fence. People can walk onto your property and may never know they are within your boundaries. Or maybe they do know, but because you haven’t laid a clear barrier, they cross over anyway. Having non-existent boundaries allows anyone and everyone to have access to you and your front door.
If you feel like you may have non-existent boundaries, your homework is to figure out your personal values. Take time to journal about when you last felt uncomfortable and what you could have done to get out of that situation. Then, make a plan for what you will do if you find yourself in that situation again. That is your boundary!
Porous Boundaries
In my coaching work, this is the most common type of boundaries I see. Porous boundaries occur when we have taken the time to identify our limits, set the boundaries, and then let people slip right through them. Kind of like swiss cheese. The boundaries are there, but they aren’t very effective.
Porous boundaries would be a fence with a gate… where the gate is always wide open.
If you want through, you’ll get through… porous boundaries (like open fences) give fairly easy access to anyone and everyone.
If you feel like you have porous boundaries, welcome to the club! This is where I found myself when I first started my boundary journey. You may be labeling yourself a people pleaser, after all, you let anyone through because you don’t want to hurt their feelings (and what if my boundary is wrong?!).
Friend… please hear me when I say if you’ve done the work to set healthy boundaries, your boundary isn’t wrong (even if it makes others mad). Other people’s feelings are just that: other people’s business! You are not responsible for managing their feelings, but you are responsible for keeping yourself safe (physically and mentally).
SO your homework is sit with your boundaries and learn to be okay with letting other people deal with their own feelings while you deal with yours. You are allowed to protect yourself and boundaries are one way we can do that!
Strict Boundaries
Before we talk about what healthy boundaries are, we need to talk about strict boundaries. That’s because most often when someone tells me they’ve mastered boundaries, this is what I see.
Strict boundaries provide no wiggle room for any reason or any person and that is just not a smart way to live. This fence would be a locked gate, WAY off in the distance from your front door so not only do you not have to be bothered, but other people don’t even know you’re back there.
The problem with strict boundaries is this doesn’t take into consideration life circumstances. Let’s say for example, you have laid a boundary that you do not watch anyone else’s kids if they are not family. One day, your friend calls panicked because she needs to go to the hospital, her spouse is out of town and she needs someone to watch the kids while she is there.
If you have strict boundaries, you’d say no. And while you wouldn’t be wrong, it isn’t going to lead to healthy relationships either. Living in relationship with other people (friendship, spouse, work, family, etc.) requires compromise. Strict boundaries leave no room for compromise….ever.
So if you identify with having strict boundaries, I challenge you to find circumstances that would allow you to move your boundary IF NECESSARY! I’m not asking you to move it just because every Tom, Dick, and Sally asks you too. Just think about if sometimes, in some circumstances, for the people you care about the most, would you move your boundary and if so, what would that look like?
***Disclaimer: Some boundaries should never be moved! I would NEVER tell you to move a boundary if someone is trying to harm you or have you harm someone else. Those boundaries stay strict…always!!
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries… FINALLY!!! I said earlier healthy boundaries are limits you place on yourself and move when you feel it is safe to do so. This is the key misunderstanding when it comes to boundary setting! Most people think boundaries are rules we set that others abide by.
The truth is… healthy boundaries are set by you, FOR YOU!
We cannot tell other people what to do. We cannot control other people’s lives. Therefore, we cannot set boundaries that other people are expected to follow!
We CAN set boundaries and limits for ourselves though! So instead of setting a boundary that sounds like, “You’re not allowed to talk about politics around me anymore,” then you are setting rules on the other person. Instead, the healthy boundary would be, “If my mom starts to talk about politics, I will attempt to change the conversation. If she persists, I will ask her to stop. If she continues after asking her to stop, I will leave.”
See, healthy boundaries are like the white picket fence that our porous boundaried friend have. Except our fence has a gate. We decide who and when they are allowed inside our bubble and when it is time for them to leave.
How do I set Healthy Boundaries?
Step 1: Identify the boundaries you need in place to bring peace to your life.
Step 2: Communicate your new boundary to those who need to know (spouse, employer, parent, etc.).
Step 3: Uphold your boundary!
It is a simple process, but if boundaries have never been laid out as an example for you, you may find this process difficult to do on your own. If so, please reach out! I give a free coaching call to all first-time clients and I would be honored to discuss this more with you! If not me, please call a therapist, pastor, or emotionally intelligent friend to help encourage you through the process.
Setting boundaries is hard work and can bring up a lot of feelings, but you don’t have to go at it alone!
If you’d like more general support, join our FREE community group on Facebook where I share monthly lessons, host Unpacking Parties, share encouragement and where you can connect with others on this Unpacking journey just like yourself.
